Buffy Steen-Larsen

I grew up in a loving and supportive family. My parents were the epitome of a happy marriage, never arguing in front of us and always speaking highly of each other. They loved us unconditionally, creating a home filled with joy and safety, even when it was messy. I always felt that no matter what mistakes I made, I could turn to them for support and guidance.

My father taught me the importance of staying positive, even when things got tough. Both my parents instilled in me the values of hard work and independence. As a child, I was very observant of people and their feelings. Watching others, especially within marriages, I learned valuable lessons about what I wanted and didn’t want in my own life.

As a teenager, my church had a program called Young Women’s, where we made lists of qualities we wanted in a future husband. My list included things like 

- blue eyes, 

- black hair, 

- a handsome face, and 

- someone who loved me more than anything, 

- loved God, 

- didn’t live in California, 

- wasn’t a surfer, 

- bought me flowers, 

- complimented me every day, 

- treasured me, 

- loved dancing, 

- had a good job, and could support me and my kids.

As time went on my list got longer and pickier.

Also as a teenager coming into dating years, I saw the drama that often accompanied dating among my friends. I decided early on that I didn’t want that kind of chaos in my life. Instead, I focused on building meaningful relationships, inspired by the examples set by my parents. Their relationship showed me what a real partnership should look like, and I strived to emulate that in my own life.

When I was 18, my sister got engaged and married to a wonderful man whom I had admired as a big brother figure since I was 15. 

They had been best friends in high school, and I always hoped they would marry. He became the older brother I always wanted, and I watched their relationship and marriage flourish. 

Their healthy way of handling struggles and differences impressed me, and I took mental notes on what a healthy marriage should look like.

When I was 20, I met a young man who seemed to fit my detailed list of qualities for a future husband. He showered me with compliments, and we quickly went from good friends to being engaged. However, things took a turn, and I discovered he was a manipulative fraud. 

It was a struggle, but I eventually ended the engagement and felt immense relief.

After that experience, I tore up my old young women’s list and created a new one with qualities that truly mattered:

- Loves God more than me

- Honest

- Sense of humor

- Loves that I love dancing

- Loves me for who I am

My list of qualities for a future husband changed dramatically. It became shorter and focused on what truly mattered: no emphasis on looks or wealth, but on values and character. The key shift was from “loves me more than anything” to “loves God more than me.”

If your spouse loves God first, they will naturally strive to be a good person, love you deeply, and be faithful. Loving God means prioritizing family, as it’s central to God’s plan. When your spouse puts God first, they are also putting you and your family first. All the good qualities you want come naturally.

I am deeply grateful to my parents for raising me with a knowledge of my savior Jesus Christ. This upbringing has given me a healthy relationship with my Heavenly Father. I feel light and free, knowing that God wants me to have an abundant, joyful life and to succeed in all I do. My parents and the scriptures have taught me this truth.

During struggles and trials, I find comfort in knowing that Jesus Christ has already borne my sorrows and suffering. His atonement gives me strength to overcome any challenge. He walks with me, guides me when I’m lost, lifts me when I’m down, and brings light to my darkest moments.

I understand that some people have experienced religious trauma, but I believe that God’s true path is one of love and understanding, never forceful. The greatest gift He gave us is agency—the right to choose. He leads us to healing and a true, healthy relationship with Him.

I moved to San Diego with my sister to help with her kids while her husband was deployed. When he returned, I planned to go home, but he suggested I stay and find a job. So, I did what any sensible person would do—I stayed for the sunshine 🌞 and tacos 🌮 .

I joined the singles ward in San Diego and watched the dating drama unfold like a reality TV show. 

I was determined to avoid it, focusing on my personal growth instead. 

Then, out of nowhere, this ridiculously attractive guy with black curly hair and gorgeous brown eyes showed up. He looked like he was 18, but I was 24 and figured, “Hey, age is just a number, right?”

(found out later he was 24)

He was energetic, outgoing, and could surf and skateboard like a pro. I had no intention of dating him; I just enjoyed the view. 

But in our small ward, we naturally became good friends slowly over the next six months. Before I knew it, we were hanging out, just the two of us. Fast forward six months later, and we were engaged and married. Talk about a plot twist!

Ironically, he was from California and a surfer—good thing I changed my list! And as a bonus, he had black hair, which I had always liked. This experience taught me that sometimes, life throws you curveballs, and you just have to ride the wave (pun intended).

It’s important to let go of expectations and embrace what comes our way, learning from every experience. Even if we take a wrong turn, it’s okay—God’s got our backs!

Often, we want one thing but need something else, and our expectations can block us from receiving what truly benefits us.

When my husband and I were engaged, many people warned us that marriage would be hard, especially the first few years. We compared notes and agreed that it didn’t have to be that way. We believed marriage could be fun and wonderful if we stayed super chill and allowed each other to be ourselves. And guess what? We are right!

The joy in our marriage comes from respecting each other’s differences and letting each other be their own person. 

We embrace our unique perspectives and support one another, which keeps our relationship strong and joyful. 

Complications arise when people try to force things to fit their comfort zones. Embracing flexibility and understanding keeps things simple and harmonious, allowing us to truly enjoy our journey together.

I am passionate about sharing my message because I believe that marriage can be so much better, richer, and more joyful, despite the craziness of life, backgrounds, histories, and traumas…despite all this, you can still have a truly joyful marriage. 

It’s like having a best friend who understands, supports, and loves you unconditionally, offering heartfelt advice even when it’s tough to hear. 

Because I always believed this type of marriage was possible, I have it!  and I didn’t buy into the notion that marriage has to be hard or that divorce is the only way out.

I’ve seen the ugly side of relationships and know there are people who will use and abuse you. 

There are men and women out there who are not good people, and sometimes you need to leave, and thank goodness there is a way out…

I almost married someone like that, but I knew it wasn’t what I wanted. However, these moments are much less frequent than the potential for good in a relationship.

During my marriage, I’ve seen friends with seemingly perfect families and relationships suddenly fall apart. It shook me and broke my heart. Often, the reasons for their struggles seemed so easy to fix, but they lacked the tools or perspective to navigate through them.

These situations have deeply affected me. I’ve spent sleepless nights thinking, “If only I had known, maybe I could’ve helped.”

It feels like nobody stays together anymore, and I’m done with that heartache. I’m here to turn things around! Healthy, joyful marriages are possible—I’m living proof! So let’s get this started!